My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
