i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
We have started to decorate penises.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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