Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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