I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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