I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
