Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
