Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
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