I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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