I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
