grandma shit on top of the toilet
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
