she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
