so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
