Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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