you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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