She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
