I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
