My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
there's paper in my vomit.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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