first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
