she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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