I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
People in love make me want to vomit
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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