I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
