is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
