Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
