I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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