I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
