We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
