I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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