apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
