shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
