i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
