My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
