i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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