Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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