Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
