I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
