Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
