I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
