there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
