I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
