i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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