The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
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