dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
