Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Randomize
