Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
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