I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
