I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
