Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
