i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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