Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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