Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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